Supporting men's core-beliefs after Defence

For some men, significant life transitions can be a tipping point and may lead to mental and emotional struggles. These stressors may include transitions such as becoming a dad, a relationship breakdown, job loss, injury or leaving a close-knit workplace.  

Transitioning from the Australian Defence Force (ADF) to a community lifestyle, for example, is widely recognised as a significant life event that can have impacts before, during and after discharge.  

Every veteran’s journey is unique, but research consistently shows that men are less likely to seek help early when things get rough due to deeply engrained cultural norms, social expectations and stigma. If they are unsure of where to turn, the likelihood of seeking support can be further reduced. 

Understanding our core beliefs 

These situations can trigger the appearance of unhelpful self-beliefs – quiet “rules” an individual carries, in this case relating to what it means to be a man, such as: I should cope on my own, I shouldn’t burden anyone, or if I ask for help, I’m failing.  

When those beliefs take the driver’s seat, they may have an unhelpful impact on emotions and behaviour and can keep men stuck, or pushing unnecessarily through pain, withdrawing from mates, using alcohol, overworking or risk-taking to numb what they’re experiencing. 

Mental health professionals may call these deep assumptions ‘core beliefs’; foundational ideas we hold about ourselves, other people and the world. Core beliefs shape how we interpret our actions, our experiences, our emotions and our relationships: 

• Helpful beliefs (like “I’m worthwhile” or “I can learn”) support confidence and recovery. 
• Unhelpful beliefs (like “I’m weak” or “I’m unlovable”) can fuel shame, mistrust and the sense that nothing will change.

Challenges after discharge 

Unhelpful core beliefs are often learned over time as survival strategies and are shaped by early messages about masculinity (e.g., “be tough” or “don’t be a burden”), stressful life experiences, and environments where vulnerability didn’t feel safe or wasn’t welcomed or encouraged. 

In the Defence Force, qualities like self-reliance, control and pushing through pain can be essential for functioning under pressure, and the importance of these qualities are often reinforced through training, culture and operational demands. For some, exposure to repeated stress, trauma, loss or moral conflict can also leave the nervous system on high alert, making withdrawal, avoidance, irritability or “numbing out” feel like the safest option.  

During transitioning out of Defence – when routine, identity, purpose and belonging can change quickly – these survival (or protective) beliefs can become more important to an individual but less flexible, increasing shame or isolation and making it harder for an individual to reach for support when connection and reliable, safe care can help most. 

These factors can lead to an impact on the veteran’s overall mental health and wellbeing and recovery, contributing to feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem and harsh self-criticism, as well as physical concerns – poor sleep, muscle tension, headaches, stomach issues – and behaviour changes, such as increased irritability, isolation or taking greater risks than usual.  

In relationships, the same beliefs can lead to ‘shutting down’ during conflict, avoiding hard conversations, or keeping loved ones at arm’s length. Care and concern may be misread as pity or pressure, which can make it harder to feel understood and supported. 

Taking a positive step forward 

The good news is that beliefs aren’t facts. With the right support, men can learn to notice these thoughts, test them, and build more balanced messages: “I’m doing my best,” “I can ask for help and still be strong,” and “This is tough, but it’s not forever.” 

Small steps that can make a big difference: 

• Book (or bring forward) a GP check-in: even when you feel “mostly fine.” Preventive care catches problems early. 
• Do a quick body scan: notice changes in how you are feeling and take note of sleep, appetite, energy, libido, pain or alcohol use – these can be early signals worth discussing.
• Move your mood: regular walking, strength work, sport or gardening supports heart health, stress regulation and sleep. 
  Stay connected: one honest chat with a mate, partner, family member or colleague can reduce stress and isolation. Challenge the ‘I should handle it alone’ story. 
• Identify what you’re experiencing: try a simple check-in: “What’s been hardest lately?” and “What do I need right now?” 
• Notice the belief: When you’re stressed, what sentence repeats in your head? (e.g., “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t need help.”) 
• Check the evidence: If a mate said the same thing, what would you tell him? What facts don’t fit the belief? 
• Choose a balanced replacement: Swap an unhelpful thought for something realistic and kind (e.g., “I’m struggling and support could help.”). Notice any changes in how you feel as a result of utilising a more helpful and kind thought. 

Support at Mates4Mates 

Mates4Mates offers a range of support services for discharged men to improve their health and wellbeing, both in person at Veteran & Family Wellbeing Centres and via telehealth. 

A team of psychologists, counsellors, and social workers to address challenges such as PTSD, trauma, grief, depression, anxiety, transition adjustment, addiction, and family issues.  

Support is also available from exercise physiologists and physiotherapists through treatments like physical rehabilitation, hydrotherapy, health education, and more.  

To find out more about how Mates4Mates can help support you, reach out to us on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat.   

 
Written by Angela Rondo, Mates4Mates Social Worker