When trauma and control overlap in relationships

Those who have been impacted by trauma will experience changes in how they perceive safety, emotion, trust and connection, which can reshape how they relate to others. This may lead to the appearance of a reduced level of care and commitment in their relationships.  

It is important to understand the differences and similarities between behaviour resulting from trauma and behaviour intended to control someone else and how they may be related.  

How trauma impacts relationships  

Trauma can affect relationships in several ways.  

• Many people experience difficulty with trust and safety, including hypervigilance and fear betrayal, even in safe and supportive relationships. This can make closeness feel risky, despite a partner’s best efforts.  
• Emotional regulation challenges are also common. Intense emotional reactions such as anger, anxiety, emotional shutdown or numbness can leave partners feeling confused, unsettled or unsure how to respond.  
• Trauma may also lead to avoidance or withdrawal, such as pulling away from emotional or physical intimacy, avoiding difficult conversations, or relying on work, distractions or substances to cope. Over time, this can create emotional distance and feelings of disconnection in relationships.  
• Communication difficulties are another common impact. Trauma may make it harder to express needs or emotions clearly, leading to silence, defensiveness, aggression or misinterpreting tone or intent.  

Other effects can include irritability, guilt or shame, identity changes after leaving service, and challenges with vulnerability or intimacy.  

These experiences can contribute to unhealthy relationship patterns such as cycles of conflict and repair, pursuer–withdrawer dynamics or avoiding conflict altogether. 

In some relationships, trauma‑related behaviours can begin to overlap with patterns of control. A need for control, predictability or structure may be driven by fear rather than intent to harm but can still be damaging if it limits another person’s autonomy.  

This is where it becomes critical to recognise the difference between the impact of trauma and the presence of coercive control.  

Recognising coercive control 

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours used to dominate, isolate and control another person. Unlike isolated forms of abuse, coercive control is ongoing and strategic, often subtle at first, and gradually erodes a person’s independence, confidence and sense of self. 

Signs of coercive control may include: 

• isolation from friends, family or supports 
• monitoring and surveillance, such as checking phones or tracking location 
• control over daily life, including finances, routines or decisions 
• emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, criticism or humiliation 
• intimidation or threats, including aggressive behaviour or property damage
• rigid rules and micro regulation, with punishment for non‑compliance.

Coercive control can exist without physical violence and remains serious and harmful. Its gradual escalation can often make it difficult to recognise or leave.  

What healthy relationships look like 

Healthy relationships are not about perfection, but about consistent, respectful behaviour from both partners. They are characterised by: 

• open and honest communication 
• mutual respect and clear boundaries 
• shared decision making and balanced power 
• trust built through reliability, not surveillance 
• emotional safety, compassion and accountability. 

Both people take responsibility for their behaviour and remain open to reflection, repair and growth. 

What to do if you recognise coercive control 

Recognising coercive control in your own relationship or someone else’s can be confronting. Responding in a way that recognises safety and support should always come first, rather than rushing into actions that could increase risk.  

If it is happening to you:

• Trust your instincts – feeling controlled or unsafe matters 
• Prioritise your safety and avoid confrontation if it could escalate harm 
• Reach out for confidential support from someone you trust or a professional service 
• Document behaviours if it is safe to do so 
• Remember: coercive control is not your fault 

If you are concerned about someone else: 

• Stay connected and non-judgemental 
• Gently name behaviours rather than labels 
• Support their decisions and respect their pace 
• Help them access professional support when they are ready 

Preventing domestic and family violence is not solely the responsibility of individuals or services – it is a collective effort. Communities play a vital role in challenging attitudes and behaviours that normalise control, disrespect or inequality, and in promoting respectful relationships as the standard.  

Speaking up safely, increasing education and supporting early intervention can disrupt harmful patterns and contribute to lasting change.  

Support is available 

If you or someone you care about needs support, confidential help is available: 

• Open Arms: 1800 011 046 
• 1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732  
• Elder Abuse Helpline: 1800 353 374  
• MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978  
• DV Connect (women’s line): 1800 811 811  
• DV Connect (men’s line): 1800 600 636   
• LGBTQ+ Helpline Support: 1800 811 811
• Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800

While Mates4Mates does not provide immediate crisis services, veterans and their families can access mental health professionals including psychologists, counsellors and social workers either in person at Veteran & Family Wellbeing Centres or via telehealth. 

The team can provide information, support and intervention, including a referral to specialist resources if you feel that coercive control or domestic and family violence may be present in any of your close relationships. 

To find out more about how Mates4Mates can help support you, reach out to us on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat.   
 

Written by Christine Brabrook, Mates4Mates Social Worker