Explaining coercive control

Coercive control often happens gradually and can be hard to recognise at first, and each case can look different, but an underlying factor is that it creates a climate of fear and dependency. Some common examples of coercive control include: 

• Isolating a person from their friends and family. 
• Monitoring their activities, phone, or social media. 
• Controlling financial decisions, clothing choices, or daily routines. 
• Threats or intimidation, including implied threats. 
• Gaslighting, or making a person doubt their own reality or sanity. 
• Creating and then enforcing rules and punishing a person when they are ‘broken.’ 

Recognising coercive control 

Recognising the indicators of coercive control can be the first step toward protecting yourself or someone else. 

These indicators can be broken down into common types of controlling behaviours: emotional and psychological control, isolation, surveillance and monitoring, control of daily life, jealousy, and possessiveness, and creating dependence.  

These behaviours can start subtly, often expressed as feelings of concern or protection and worsen over time. Some signs for each include: 

Emotional and psychological control 

• Constant criticism, humiliation, or belittling.  
• Blaming you for everything, even their own actions.  
• Gaslighting, making you question your memory, judgement, or sanity. 
• Threats (to leave, hurt themselves, or take the kids.) 

Isolation 

• Discouraging or preventing you from seeing friends or family. 
• Monitoring or controlling your communications. 
• Creating conflicts that make you withdraw from others. 

Surveillance and monitoring 

• Constantly checking your phone, emails, or location, often under the pretence of being caring or protective. 
• Insisting on knowing where you are, and who you’re with at all times. 
• Using technology to track you. 

Control over daily life 

• Telling you what to wear, what to eat, or how to behave, often by use of negative comments about appearance. 
• Controlling finances including taking your money, restricting access to any money, or giving you an ‘allowance.’ 
• Making or enforcing strict rules you must follow, with actual or threatened punishment if the rules are broken. 

Jealousy and possessiveness 

• Acting in an overly jealous or possessive manner, often saying that their concern is out of love. 
• Accusing you of cheating or flirting constantly without reason. 

Creating dependence 

• Undermining your confidence or ability to make decisions (often through gaslighting). 
• Sabotaging work or education to keep you financially or emotionally dependent. 

Getting help  

If you recognise coercive control in your relationship, that is a powerful first step. It is important to know that you are not alone. Below are some ways to manage it and start getting help: 

• Acknowledge what is happening: trust your instincts (that gut feeling). If something feels wrong, it probably is. Coercive control is abuse, even if there is not physical violence. 
• Prioritise your safety: If you feel unsafe, do not confront the person directly as this can increase risk. Instead, create a safety plan: have an emergency bag, a plan for somewhere safe to go, and develop a code word for use with trusted friends or family members that you can use in emergencies. If you are unsure about this step, contact your local Domestic Family Violence Centre for assistance.  
• Document abusive behaviour discreetly if it is safe to do so, including texts, emails, and journals as this can help later. 
• Reach out for support: talk to someone you trust, whether that is a friend, family members, counsellor, social worker, or psychologist. It is also important to get in contact with a domestic violence support helpline or organisation in your area as they can help with legal, emotional, and practical support. 

Helplines 

1800 RESPECT: 1800 737 732 

Elder Abuse Helpline: 1800 353 374 

MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978 

DV Connect (women’s line): 1800 811 811 

DV Connect (men’s line): 1800 600 636  

LGBTQ+ Helpline Support: 1800 811 811 

Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800 

Support at Mates4Mates 

While Mates4Mates does not provide immediate crisis services, we do provide access to mental health professionals, including psychologists, counsellors, and social workers. They can provide information, support, and intervention, including referral to specialist resources if you feel that coercive control or domestic and family violence may be present in any of your close relationships.  
 
Mates4Mates also offers social connection activities where individuals can come together in a supportive environment to share in camaraderie. These recreational activities promote a sense of community and purpose.  
 
If you are a veteran or family member and want to find out more about how Mates4Mates can support your mental health, reach out to us on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat.   

 

Written by Christine Brabrook, Mates4Mates Social Worker.