Learning to cope with grief

Symptoms of grief 

Grief is a natural and universal experience, but it manifests differently for everyone.  

Symptoms of grief can be emotional (sadness or deep sorrow, anger or frustration, guilt or regret, anxiety or fear, feelings of isolation), physical (fatigue or low energy, changes in appetite or weight, insomnia or oversleeping, physical pain), cognitive (difficulty concentrating or making decisions, memory problems, intense focus on the loss), or behavioural (withdrawal from social activities or relationships, changes in routine, emotional outbursts). 

Grief can be a complex and lengthy process, often involving a range of emotions that may come and go in waves. It’s important to remember there is no ‘right’ way to grieve and seeking support from friends, family, and professionals can be beneficial. 

Causes of grief 

While the loss of a loved one is a common trigger of grief, it can also arise from other changes and losses such as relationship loss, health changes, job loss, life transitions, unfulfilled aspirations, and missed opportunities. Some of these losses may not be acknowledged, or the impact understood by others, and this can make them even more difficult to process.  

These experiences can elicit grief because they involve a sense of change and can lead to feelings of sadness, uncertainty, or longing for what once was. Grief is a natural response to any significant change or loss, not just those deemed ‘traumatic’. 

Grief in the Defence Force 

Grief within the Defence community can be unique because of the nature of military life, deployments, and experiences associated with service.  

Some common experiences for veterans and families that may bring about feelings of grief include the loss of comrades or family/friends who have served; delayed grieving due to military obligations that give the individual little opportunity to process their feelings immediately; and grief resulting from frequent relocations, or the transition from Defence to civilian life, which can result in grief related to a loss of identity and purpose. 

Understanding these experiences can help in providing appropriate support and resources for members as they navigate their grief. 

Strategies to cope with grief 

Coping with grief is a personal journey, and there are various strategies that can help individuals navigate their feelings:  

• Allow yourself to grieve: Acknowledge your feelings and permit yourself to feel a range of emotions without judgement. It's normal to experience sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief. 
• Reach out for support: Share your feelings with friends, family, or a support group. Connecting with others who understand can be comforting. A psychologist or counsellor can provide guidance and coping strategies tailored to your needs.  
• Establish a routine: Keeping a regular routine can provide a sense of normalcy and stability amid the grief. 
• Practice self-care: Ensure you're eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in physical activity, which can help regulate emotions. Techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing can help reduce stress and promote emotional balance. 
• Express your feelings: Writing about your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to process grief. Art, music, or other creative pursuits can provide an avenue for expression and healing. 
• Memorialise and honour the lost: Consider establishing rituals to honour the memory of the person or thing you’ve lost, such as lighting a candle or creating a memory box. If your loss stems from the passing of someone close to you, talking about your loved one and sharing memories can help keep their memory alive.
• Be patient with yourself: Grief doesn't have a set timeline. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace and be kind to yourself throughout the journey. 
• Limit stressors: Be aware of situations or activities that may amplify your grief and try to manage your exposure to them when possible. 
• Look for meaning: Over time, many find comfort in looking for meaning or lessons in their loss through reflection, helping to foster resilience and growth. 

Support at Mates4Mates 

Mates4Mates offers veterans and family members access to mental health and wellbeing services, including professional counselling and psychology services. Our team of psychologists, counsellors, and social workers are available to support veterans and families dealing with grief, trauma, and other mental health concerns. 

Mates4Mates also has a range of social connection activities across each location, giving veterans and families a chance to connect with others in the Defence community who may have shared experiences. 

To find out more, reach out to Mates4Mates on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat.  

Written by Ann-Marie Trinh, Mates4Mates Psychologist